Whew! Where do I begin? The past few days have taught me the pressure one feels when hitting rock bottom, especially when everyone seems to be moving along just fine. I ask fellow friends and colleagues what motivates them to do what they do just to seek inspiration whenever I feel a little down myself. Their determination and zeal to pursue their goals or serve the community is usually astonishing, as if their cup of motivation never runs dry.
Truth is, I have been feeling quite down the past couple of days. Seeking motivation led me to these very conversations just to remind myself how I responded to the question and take my advice lol. But this brought a realization of how we never talk about such moments no matter how overwhelming they are. We wake up one day, and the zeal, the passion, and the determination are gone. Work slows, everything around us loses lustre, and we are not our cheery usual selves. Tasks take more time than usual to accomplish, not even our stomachs cooperate. Appetite wanes, we forget to hydrate, and we are neither happy nor sad, just bored, and unmotivated.
But the world does not pause to let us wallow in our feelings without guilt. Everyone around us is their enthusiastic self. Even those who don’t dress to kill at work are at their weekday best on this particular day, glowing with enthusiasm and soaking in vibrance. Friends pick up pending conversations hoping to cheer you up but on this particular day, it never works.
The sensitivity that comes with being in your feelings is also something else. We try interacting with cheerful people, and avoiding arguments and confrontations because we don’t want to unload on our innocent friends. Then a sad story on social media triggers uncontrollable tears just like that. Or get us so angry that moments later, or maybe the following day, we are left puzzled about our previous intense reactions.
Existential crisis creeps in. When everyone else seems to have things figured out, we start questioning ourselves. We forget about even our most recent achievement, what we mean to others and our usual role as a source of joy and inspiration to others. We start questioning what we have been doing with our lives lol. Why we made certain mistakes and even our worth. This is when we start thinking of all the mean words people have said to us and even the slow or lack of progress towards our goals. “Am I even enough?” “Why are such things happening to me?” “Am I biting more than I can chew?” “Am I so stupid to not see through the lies?” Yet, despite these thoughts, tasks still need our attention making us feel like emotional wrecks who wallow in their feelings instead of getting it together
Crying has always been my best outlet when feeling overwhelmed. I still show up for others whenever I can even in such moments. I pause to fulfil what’s asked of me, then go back to crying. It’s funny, right? Growing up in an African home, you learn. You cry to nurse a break and still show up to prepare meals for the family lol. Messages I receive from people I inspire say I look focused. Some even ask how I keep going while others assume I never face challenges with showing up each day. But even those we look up to, mentors, parents, leaders and older siblings are also human. We may never break down in front of others because it could unsettle those who rely on our strength and stability but behind closed curtains, we also break down.
We all have bad days. I have learned to let things flow, not control how I feel but feel everything. Wallow in the sadness when I am sad, bask in the excitement when I am happy, gets psyched up and work my ass off, lazy around and relax as I find inspiration. I’ve learned to listen to my body, mind and heart, and to be true to myself while remaining reliable. Acknowledge I am human, I have highs and lows, find inspiration whenever I can, but on all days, work towards the future I desire.
To me, everything I do is a vehicle that brings me closer to my dreams, even the sad introspection moments. Every time I come out with a firm resolve on something. I learned to give myself a little more grace. It’s only by experiencing lows that we truly appreciate life’s highs. We are stronger in our lowest moments because they are part of who we are. When all is said and done, I dust myself off, remember the life I aspire to live, the person I am working towards becoming, and paint a mental image of her. I ask myself If I am the person deserving of that life then I wake up and work towards becoming that person.
Today, I am taking my advice and truly acknowledge that consistency is not always a full cup every day. It might be full today, half-full tomorrow, empty the next day, with a few drops the day after. All that matters is I showed up. We all hold ourselves to high standards of perfectionism but once in a while, it is okay to be gracious with ourselves. Having the courage to be imperfect sounds like a tall order, but would you try it sometime?
